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The Shittiest Xmas Movies

December 02, 2015 0 Comments

The Shittiest Xmas Movies

Just as the music charts are filled with tacky festive muzak during November and December, Hollywood tries to get in on the act too with an equally shoddy hit to miss ratio.

So for every Elf, Home Alone or Die Hard (a proper Christmas movie) there’re these duds that somehow made it past the initial scriptwriting sessions.

Here’s a few of The Shittiest Xmas Movies according to 8Ball, but as always let us know in the comments or on Twitterwhether we’ve missed some out…

Fred Claus

One of the most common tricks by Hollywood around Christmas is to pack a film full of A-listers in the hope that you’ll be so sick of your family over the festive period that you’ll take a trip to the pictures just to sit in silence for two hours.

Starring Vince Vaugn as Fred, the bitter and pessimistic older brother of Saint Nick (played by Paul Giamatti) who’s called up to the North Pole to help out with the Christmas rush and prevent efficiency expert Clyde Northcutt (played by two-time Oscar-winner Kevin Spacey) from closing the elves’ workshop.

When Saint Nick gets injured and can’t deliver the presents on Christmas Eve, old humbug Fred steps in and learns the true meaning of Christmas or something and saves the day, wins the girl and gets a bird-house.

If that doesn’t sound thrilling enough, here’s a quote from the Wikipedia plot run through:

As for Clyde, Nick hires him as an efficiency consultant and he teaches the elves how to use a spreadsheet.

It truly is a Christmas miracle.

Home Alone 3, Home Alone 4, Home Alone: The Holiday Heist

Movie history is full of legendary trilogies but usually by the time the third instalment rolls around the eye tends to goes off the ball.

When Home Alone 3 was released in 1997, Macaulay Culkin had already retired from acting at the grand old age of 17 so was recast in the lead role of burglar-botherer Kevin McCallister.

Despite this, it still managed to rake in an impressive $79million at the box office and two further made-for-TV movies were released in 2002 and 2012 using the same formula:

Kid is home alone – sets traps for robbers – calamity – robbers get arrested

And the parents learn the true meaning of Christmas – hire a babysitter.

Jack Frost

Michael Keaton stars as Jack Frost, the lead singer of The Jack Frost Band who dies in a car crash on his way home to his family Christmas.  Luckily his son has a magic harmonica that will bring Jack back as a snowman one last time. Yep…

Released 5 years after Keaton’s last stint as Batman so we can only hope that Christian Bale is on board for a Jack Frost remake in 2017…

Jingle All the Way

After spending the 80s and early 90s basically kicking ass all over the shop, Arnie tried out some lighter roles including that of workaholic dad Howard Langston in Jingle All The Way.

It’s Christmas Eve and Howard’s on the hunt for this year’s must have Turbo-Man action figure for young Anakin Skywalker whose path to the dark side has started already, emotionally blackmailing his dad by saying he’ll be called a loser by his friends without a Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rock’n roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, “It’s Turbo time!” Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.

Basically an hour and a half toy advert for a consumerist centric Christmas… that being said, go buy some t-shirts!

The Santa Clause, The Santa Clause 2… in fact, anything with Tim Allen

Tim Allen seems to have a thing for sketchy Christmas movies since his first appearance in The Santa Clause, during his run on Home Improvement in the 90s, and two sequels that made the critics weep but accountants ecstatic taking over $470 million worldwide at the box office.

But Christmas with the Kranks might top the lot with a tale of festive conformity.  With their daughter away in Peru for the festive season Mr and Mrs Krank decide to skip Christmas for a year, spending the money saved on a cruise instead.

The entire neighbourhood is up in arms as they’re the only house on the street without garish lights and decorations and constantly berate and harass the Kranks for their lack of festive cheer.

On Christmas Eve, with the Kranks packing for their Christmas cruise, their daughter calls to say she’s on her way home, expecting the traditional party that night leading to a farcical last minute whip-round to save face with the neighbourhood.

Santa With Muscles

Hulk Hogan plays an evil millionaire who gets a knock on the head whilst in a police chase and loses his memory.  After being tricked into thinking he’s Santa Claus by a bloke dressed as an elf in a mall he somehow gets involved in saving an orphanage from another evil millionaire who wants to shut it down so he can get hold of the cave underneath that’s filled with crystals worth millions of dollars.

We’re still not convinced that this is a real film… I mean, it’s got to be a wind-up…

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Released a year after Star Wars took over the box office, the 97 minute Christmas special has gone down in infamy as one of the worst products of the Star Wars franchise.

The main plot behind the show features Chewbacca and Han Solo travelling to Kashyyyk to celebrate Life Day but are pursued by Imperial agents.

Stormtroopers invade Chewie’s house and order a search for the Wookiee while his wife, Malla, and others try to distract them with food, Jefferson Starship and a cartoon featuring Boba Fett.

So there are two notable cameos in the Holiday Special; Jefferson Starship and Boba Fett.  But only one of these appearances was praised for their introduction to the Star Wars canon.

Surely it can’t be that bad? Well… it’s so bad that George Lucas refuses to release it on home video just in case people see it and only unofficial bootlegs exist, like this one…

Any we’ve missed? Let us know in the comments or tweet us at @8balltshirts


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