What The New Robot Wars House Robots Might Be Like

Image: BBC

You can’t keep a good dog down, and today the BBC announced that they are bringing back one of the greatest TV shows of all time – Robot Wars!

For many of a certain age, Robot Wars was a highlight of the week, featuring Jeremy Clarkson looking like a member of a Thin Lizzy tribute band, a post-Red Dwarf Craig Charles, the dulcet tones of Match of the Day regular Jonathan Pearce, and the geeks’ favourite, a leather-trousered Philippa Forrester.

The cult classic show will return for 6 hour-long shows and feature “a raft of technological advances”. Whatever that means.

One thing we’re already itching to find out about, however, is the new house robots. We loved Matilda, Dead Metal, Sergeant Bash and the gang, but what form will they take this time round?

Here are just a few ideas…

Death, Destruction & Decay (3D)

Known as 3D, this robot will bring the battle right into your living room. By donning a pair of stupid plastic glasses, 3D will cause actual bodily harm to you and your loved ones as you watch the show, but will appear slightly blurry as it does so. The license fee will also be a little more expensive to cover the cost of the 3D.

#Twitternator

Inspired by everyone’s favourite micro-blogging platform, #Twitternator will harness the power of social media to destroy its opponents. It gets angry incredibly easily over the smallest thing, talking a good game and spouting poisonous bile towards the other robots but cowers away when confronted robot to robot. Its best bet is to distract others with videos of cats before hashtagging them to death. It’s also a left wing feminist and will allow companies to sponsor certain attacks.

Image: BBC

Bieber Bot

Because who wouldn’t want to see Justin Bieber in robot form be smashed to smithereens? It acts like a dick the entire time, emitting songs that you absolutely hate but somehow get stuck in your head, and its special attack is to unleash an army of batshit crazy teenage girls to destroy the other robots.

The Millennial™

The Millennial™ is the offspring of Matilda and Sir Killalot and is stored in the same garage as its parents despite being in its late 20s. It cost a fortune to build and is now wracked with debt for the rest of its life. It has a very short attention span, often interrupting the battle to post a selfie on Instagram. The Millennial™  forms a devastating partnership with #Twitternator, with its top moments appearing in a Buzzfeed list after the show.

Colonel Hipster

Colonel Hipster doesn’t even want to be involved in Robot Wars as it’s not as good as the first series but does so anyway, ironically. It’s made out of old Game Boys, upcycled dining chairs and fixie bike parts. It startles its opponents with its mesmerising facial hair before blinding them with vape smoke and firing craft beer bottles at them. Vegan.

Image: BBC

iBot

iBot is the most technologically advanced of the new house robots, with a new version released every six months that looks identical to the previous one. However, it quickly runs out of battery, needing to be charged regularly. Most of its parts are actually copied from other robots and it’ll have people camping outside the arena to watch it battle.

iBot is also available as an app.

Herr Trump

The most terrifying of all the new house robots, Herr Trump is the reincarnation of Sir Killalot, but with shitter hair. It is unrepentant in its destruction, a one-robot killing machine intent on returning the world to the Stone Age. Kitted out with a huge arsenal of guns bought in its local supermarket but refuses to battle alongside robots that weren’t built in the US.

Does not play well with The Millennial™.

On the other hand, we hope the robots look a little something like this…

Whatever format the show take and the robots look like, this is all very exciting news and kudos to the BBC for bringing it back. Or was it someone else?

Bring back Robot Wars @jeremycorbyn

— euan (@tweeteuan) October 25, 2015

Thank you @jeremycorbyn — euan (@tweeteuan) January 13, 2016

What do you think the new Robot Wars house robots will be like?

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