The Suckiest Blood Suckers In Cinema History

“Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old.”

By Rob

The Lost Boys might be the last time movie vampires were cool. So to coincide our sexy new Lost Boys tees, we’re running down the suckiest blood-suckers from the big screen.

We've stuck to the undead who were supposed to be serious, so no comedy fiends on here.

Dracula 2000 - Gerrard Butler as Dracula

Gerard Butler barely suppresses his Scottish accent as he stumbles through being a frozen-in-time Dracula who wakes up in the year 2000, but is actually secretly Judas from the Bible as well, and then goes to a Virgin Megastore.

Van Helsing’s Dracula - Richard Roxburgh as Dracula

As if trying to top his terrible role of Moriarty in the terrible League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or LXG as all true Alan Moore fans call it!), Richard Roxburgh barely suppresses his Australian accent to become the least impressive Dracula in the history of cinema.

Blade Trinity’s Dracula - Dominic Purcell as Drac... sorry, we mean Drake

Van Helsing might have the least impressive Dracula of all time, but Blade Trinity has the absolute worst Dracula of all time. Because it has Hipster Dracula. Too cool even for the name Dracula, he insists on being called “Drake”, as he walks around town with five different necklaces and his shirt wiiiiiiiide open. That’s not even a deep V neck, ladies & gents, that is a deep U neck! And yes, Hipster Dracula is played by Dominic “I’ve Done Nothing Since Prison Break And The Flash Is Still Ten Years Away” Purcell.

Blade Trinity (again) - Triple H (and his poodle) as  Jarko Grimwood ( and Pac-Man)

The Blade Trinity Dracula might be the worst Dracula in history, but he’s still not the worst vampire in Blade Trinity. That distinction goes to wrestler Triple H and his godamn vampire poodle, Pac Man. Desperate to have a more ridiculous name than “Hunter Hearst Hemsley” in this movie, Trips plays a vampire called Jarko Grimwood who has a pet poodle and snarls “Hey dickface!” at Ryan Reynolds.

Queen of the Damned - Stuart Townsend as Lestat, the Musical Vampire

In Queen Of The Damned, Lestat wakes up from being asleep for decades and hears some rock music so he immediately takes over said rock band and starts writing horrific songs about being a vampire and his lyrics are so obviously about being a vampire that the whole world find out that he’s a vampire but then also his rock music somehow wakes up The First Vampire and we swear to god we’re not making any of this up!

But lets now dwell on this for too long, we've had our chuckles and now it's time to move on. So why not celebrate the better side of movie vampires with our Lost Boys T Shirt range, now featuring new designs.