How To Save The Great British Bake Off
It has been the talk of the nation for the last couple of weeks. Channel 4 has snatched the Great British Bake Off from under the noses of the treasure of the British Isles, the BBC, and the people are not happy. All is not lost though. We know what the Great British Bake Off needs to remain the number one show in Britain and become an instant classic overseas. Oldschool WWE!
Let’s set the scene…
The music kicks in and the camera pans over a lovely green field, sat on a fence at the edge of this field are JR and Jerry “The King” Lawler. They introduce bread week, The King makes a pun about buns, baps and puppies and JR call a squirrel a SOB and we head to the tent. Ten bakers walk in and are met by JR and Jerry along with Paul Hollywood and new baking specialist Paul Heyman. Known as the two Pauls, like the two Ronnies before them they become the nation’s sweethearts and receive their own reality TV series creatively called The Two Pauls. It features guest cameos from the ghosts of Paul Walker and Paul Bearer, a big chunk of the budget is spent getting Paul Rudd to appear and the music is performed by Paul McCartney.
But back to the action in the tent. The bakers complete their Signature bake a sweet loaf containing any flavour of their choosing in a round renamed the Baker Royal. Hollywood struggles with baker number one’s chocolate and cranberry loaf due to it’s “soggy rock bottom” whereas Heyman refuses to taste baker number four’s orange, cinnamon Christmas loaf due to the fact that it is very “doughy and raw is war”. Yep, you’ve got it the puns and innuendos basically write themselves. You’re welcome Channel 4 writing team!
At the end of the show a Starbaker is crowned. Baker number six receives it this week thanks to her Showstopper bake inside a Hell in a Cell, a plaited loaf with bacon and cheese. She receives the spinning Starbaker championship belt and delivers a promo about how she will take on any and all challenges to remain the number one guy in the company and that she will continue to reign supreme thanks to her finishing move the D.D.Teacake. The Pauls remind her that she has a good chance of making it to the grandest stage of them all Pastrymania XX to which her response is to lift her belt and her bake above her head, stand on top of her bench and smirk at her competition.
JR and Jerry inform us that next week is Pie Week and we see a glimpse of the next show. Baker number two struggles with her cherry pie and we see a flashback to the history of the pie in the ‘Smell What The Rock Is Cooking’ segment. From there we are transported to the studio to the after show, The Highlight Reel with host Y2Bay-ke aka The Ayatollah of Rock and Bread Rolla who interviews and berates this week’s unlucky loser by calling them a Stupid Idi…ot. People in the studio audience are holding A1 card signs. One reads, “the guy behind me can’t see” another reads, “We want The UnderBaker, The Breadman lives!”
There we have it. The bake off is saved, it is the most watched series in the world and everyone forgets about that traitorous Mary Berry. Channel 4 is crowned channel of the year and it goes on to buy more of the BBC’s best shows. Thanks to the success of the new Bake Off format, Pointless remains in it’s 5.15pm slot but is hosted by the biggest performers in sports and entertainment, Richard Osman and The Big Show. Eggheads is renamed Heads, is hosted by Al Snow and is a Tough Enough format when competitors are eliminated each week when they are told that they won’t get head.
Again, you’re welcome Channel 4 writing team.